I guess I should explain, that it really was my fault, I snuck into my parents bedroom, quietly, tip-toeing, trying not to make-any-slight-noise. Into the bedroom, past the bed and into the bedside table, I opened the draw and saw the jackpot, my god I was going to be rich, there was some gold coins, I decided to take $3.00. I left some there as I didn’t want to raise suspicion, all part of my devious plan. Now you might be asking yourself, huph why three dollars, I was an 12 year old boy, who never had any pocket money, three dollars and the thrill of taking it was all to much, this was exciting.

I put the three dollars into my pocket and ran out the backyard as fast as I could, I found Alexis and April and told them what I had done, they were in surprise and shock, but I was boastful, smug and kind of proud of myself in someway, we went to the paddock, which was through our backyard gate and across the road, there was large power-lines all along the paddock, up the hill and down again, we sat in the tall grass and just chatted away, April said she needed to go home, when she was gone I turned to Alexis and said she should go to the shop and steal something like biscuits or something, she looked at me nervously, I said “go on, It’ll be easy”. I gave her the $3 and said if she got caught she should simply pay for it.

Alexis took the money and started walking across to the shop, I sat in the paddock and watched her, she walked in and…. didn’t come out, well for at least 40 minutes. Then in the distance I saw her, she crossed the road and walked up to me, showed me the biscuits, but she was upset, she had tears. “I got caught” She handed me the change, she looked so upset. God what an asshole I was to send my sister to steal some biscuits, Jesus what was I thinking…?

We opened the packet and the contents, after a while we decided it was time to go back home, we entered via the back gate, in through the back door and into the house… “You filthy little thief” Snarled my Dad, SMACK across the head.

“Now, Now Jim send him to his room and let’s talk with Alexis first” Said Bree

“Get to your room” I didn’t need another offer I went straight to my room and closed the door, I opened my window and threw the change out. Shut the window and listened at the door, I could feel my heart pumping, I was more than scared I was prettified, this was not going to be good, in the glance when I walked into the house and through the lounge room, my Mum was sitting on the couch with Bree and of course Dad was there. How did they know…. April, bitch.

The were asking Alexis what had happened, Alexis at this time was 9 she was scared she told them everything, there was silence, they told her to go to her room, which she did quickly and shut her door.

“JAMIE, GET OUT HERE NOW” was barked at me.

I walked out, Bree had a smile on her face, “Stand there”. She pointed to a spot on the ground, I walked to it. She grabbed me, “no not there….there” and she moved to the space she meant for me to stand.

There was silence, silence that felt like it was going to envelop me, swallow me up, down, down, down into a pit of darkness… If only…

I looked around, Dad was standing there he looked pissed but had a smile on his face, I looked at Bree she was smiling as well, I looked at Mum and she looked away to the floor, her walking stick along her lap.

“So we heard what happened, give your mother the money you stole from her” Said Bree calmly.

“I don’t have it” I said truthfully.

“Well you better get it quick smart, you have five minutes…Go”

I went into my room, they knew I didn’t have the correct money, Alexis told them everything, I didn’t know what to do, I could hear them talking, “Let’s play with him for a bit and then teach him a lesson” My dad was saying, all of them were talking, I didn’t know what to do, I threw the money out of the window, why did I do that, why did I steal that fucking money…??

I opened the window, I positioned myself to climb out, I dropped to the ground and started searching, I found twenty cents, I think there was like a dollar forty in change, I was searching like a maniac.

“What are you doing” Bree was at the front door glaring at me. She smiled, “His trying to escape”

Apparently I was trying to escape by being on my hands and knees under a my window looking the change.

“Get in here now” She said, I got up off my hands and knees and walked to the front door, back into the living room, she shut the door.

Dad had a big grin on his face, what was going to happen… “Why were you outside” He said plainly. “I was trying to find the money”

“LIAR” he yelled.

“Jim calm down we can, do this in a calm way” she turned to me “Do you know I know how to punch people through books and that it doesn’t even leave a bruise, you to stand here, and if you move I will get your mothers walking stick and hit you in the balls so hard an ambulance will need to carry you out of here.”

I was scared to say the least but I tried, as much as I could not to move, I barely even breathed.

“Alexis come here” growled dad. She came out of her room, looked at me, he told her to stand in front of me. Bree chimed in “Alexis, Jamie tried to get you into trouble today, he said this was all your fault, I want you to hit him across the face as a punishment to him for being so naughty” Alexis looked at her then at me. “Go on Alexis, unless this was your fault”  SMACK across the face, “Good work Alexis, but that wasn’t good enough, you really need to show us that your really upset with your brother” SMACK, SMACK, SMACK. Laughter, dad and bree were laughing, my mother just sat there. SMACK SMACK SMACK. Bree looked at me and held my mother walking stick. “Remember if you move, even once, you will be getting worse than a slap to the face, alright Alexis off you go back to your room”. Alexis quickly disappeared. Bree turned to Mum, “Jenny, this is your son, standing here in disgust, slapped in the face by his younger sister, he stole from you, what are you going to do about it, I want you to show him how upset you are with him.” Dad started laughing again. Mum used her one usable hand to awkwardly stand up, her other hand no longer worked, she stood up, slowly she hobbled over to me, Bree didn’t give her stick to her.

Mum looked me in the eyes. She looked away, she smiled. WACK,WACK, WACK, WACK, WACK, WACK…over and over again I felt blood in my mouth, I didn’t want to cry, I wanted to just have this over with…. WACK, WACK, WACK… I couldn’t take it anymore, my head was thumping…. “His about to break, THAT’S IT JENNY” Bree shouted, dad was laughing hysterically loving this all….WACK WACK WACK……Then the tears…. the pain was to much, I couldn’t stop my sobs, the embarrassment, the river of water streaming out of my eyes, my mouth full of blood, the pounding of my head. My mum had a look of enjoyment in her face.

“Get to your room, you disgust me” said my Dad, I ran as fast as I could, my face felt puffy, I wanted to know what they were going to do next, they were all talking, Mum said that should teach him, Dad huffed, Bree said “No, you don’t want a child like my older son, we should call family services and say that he needs to go”

“Really” said my mum “But I don’t think I could call”

“Don’t worry, I’ll pretend to be you, it’s all good, it’s for the best” She got the phone.

“Hello….Yes…..Hi, I’m calling about my son, I am having a very difficult time with him at the moment…..well, this morning he stole from me…. he is violent to my children and I don’t feel safe with him being here……what do I want……I want someone to come and have a chat with him……. Oh ok…..well my address is 72 Fowlers rd koonawarra…… ok how long will you be……. oh ok…..”

Well the conversation was longer than that, they asked for Bree’s name, she gave my mothers details and some other information… Now I don’t know if you have read my other blog updates…. I was never violent to my sisters or tried to threatened anyone, Bree made up all these lies about me… I didn’t know what to do, she had called these people and they would have thought that I was this crazy out of control violent 12 year old kids…. Now look at the photo of me in my previous blog…. go on… does that look like the person Bree was trying to say I was.

I don’t know what Bree’s motivation was, even to this day I have thought about her, I even ran into her child years later in Byron Bay very randomly and asked him, he had lost contact with her and said she had very deep issues…. deep issues… But at the end of the day my parents could have stopped this circus at anytime “Stop Bree, this is our house and we will look after our children the way we see fit…” might have been a start… Maybe a grounding, some chores, loose privileges such as TV… Not to be humiliated, brusied, bloodied and now people coming thinking I’m a monster….

Tears were streaming down my face…. what do I do…. I layed in my bed and cried, that all I could do…cry.

I honestly don’t know how long time had passed, I remember hearing two cars pull up outside our place, out of one car was a lady with large hair, out of the other was a man, they walked up to the front door, I heard the knock, three in total. they walked in and started to talk to my parents, my Dad was the spokesman, from what I could hear from the closed door, was pretty much what Bree had said.

Silence.

There was a knock at my door…the door opened the man and lady were there and looked at me, I was crying, I didn’t know what to do, it was just the two of them, no Mum, no Dad and No Bree, they continued to look at me, they looked at my face, and then to each other, the lady looked at me walked over touched me on the shoulder calmly, the man said, “hey mate, lets pack you some clothes for a couple of nights”

“How come” I said…

“I think it’s best that we just get some clothes and you have something like a holiday for a couple of nights, what do you say” He looked at me and gave a friendly smile… He told me to stay were I was and he packed some clothes for me, the lady started making notes quietly.

“Come on Mr, it’ll be alright” I followed him not know ing what was going on, but I kind of felt safe with these two people, never in my life had I come across people like this at a time of need who made me feel safe, through all the years of being beaten, slammed into walls, spoken to like I was nothing…. I walked put of my bedroom door, head down, I dare not look up, I really wanted to get out of there, I walked past the lounge room, as I was walking past my parents, the man put his hand on my shoulder and close me to him, he kind of kept me walking.

The lady stayed behind me,”We’ll be in touch” she said, we walked to the two cars, and the man directed me to his and opened the passenger door. Closed the door and drove off… I had been rescued!

That was the last time I ever lived with my parents, the last time we were ever in the same place together, my two sisters, father or mother… and the last time I was ever physically beaten by my father or mother…but not the last time I would see them

Every Friday for the next four months involved me teaming up with a family services officer and a lawyer, my next stage of my journey was to go to court and recount what happened to me and for the courts to decide what they were going to do with me… I no longer had parents I know belonged to the state of NSW.

So if this is your first reading of my blog or need a catch up at least, read the previous post so your up to speed, this blog hasn’t been light hearted to say the least and I’m really sorry it doesn’t get much better at the moment, but I do promise it will get a little more fun eventually. This next chapter spans over around four months.
And so we continue… Each one of us said goodbye to Mum in the hallway of the hospital, my youngest sister April, my middle sister Alexis and then me, I couldn’t bring myself to look her in the eye or even give her a hug, my Dad said, “Come on lets go”. We followed him and Michelle through the hospital, my Mum getting wheeled away by a nurse supposedly to her room. We followed the adults to the car park and into the car, Dad drove the car silently and Michelle in the front seat making conversation with us kids about random silly things to lighten the mood, Alexis and April fell for her game, but not me, I leaned against the window staring outside silently as well, I glanced at Dad who must have looked at me at the same time in the rearview mirror, was this our first “moment”, were we thinking the same thing, was that a tiny silent non verbal connection, I don’t know but for some reason this cheered me up in some way.

We drove to Michelle and Jacko’s house, Dad dropped us off and said that Mum was going to be coming back to the house and he wanted to settle her in first before we came back, which suited me absolutely fine, the sight of seeing Mum like that brought back every horrible feeling from the day that she had her stroke, the panic and helplessness and the thought of living in the same roof with Dad was such a terror that I couldn’t face, he said goodbye to my sisters and glanced at me, got in the car and drove off. Was this another moment that we just had, for some reason this one made me feel guilt for some reason, like I had done something wrong. For the next two weeks things kind of went into a routine, I rode my bike in the back car park by myself, trying my hardest to ride with no hands, I had a thing, I would promise myself the best food in the world if I could go a metre without falling “Ok Jamie if you just a little further then I will eat pizza and ice cream” After I got there I pushed myself, but for some reason I used to try and ride with my eyes closed, now I know as a 29 year old man, what a stupid idea, try and ride a bike with no hands and eyes closed, talking to myself about promises of ice cream and pizza, but at that time and place it was all the grand master plan, how could it ever fail, even all after all the falls and crashes into the fence and once into a car, I would get up sometimes a little bruised and bloodied brush myself off and get back on, “Ok a little further and you’ll get ice cream and pizza”. I never did learn how to ride my bike with no hands.

Michelle and Jacko still invited me in to watch their weird vouger pot smoking sessions the insisted I observe, there friends ever now and then came over and participated in the smoking sessions, Alexis and April were never allowed to go near the kitchen and were usually sent to the spare room they slept in, this all kind of made me feel special in some way. It wasn’t long until it was that time, time to go back to Fowlers Road Koonawarra, Wollongong. Our bags were packed, we were ready to go, Dad rocked up with Mum in the front seat, we got our bags and out them into the boot, we all said goodbye to Michelle and Jacko who hugged us all. We got into the car, I pressed up against the window and waved at them, it was really sad to say goodbye, at that stage I thought this would be the last I ever see of them again, at that stage I didn’t know that I would start running away form home and run to their house when things eventually got tough. At that stage I thought the time that I finally felt special and liked was once and for all over, this was the first time I ever remember that I was around people who really respected me, listened to me and most of liked me. I guess as I have gotten older I cling to these things so much, that people don’t understand and mistake it for a crazy clingy Jamie, when all it is, is that I really cherish and value the importance of happiness, connection and kindness, even through all the inappropriateness they displayed.

When we got home we unpacked our bags, and me and my sisters went outside the backyard and played, we played and I forgot all about the bullshit and thinking, our neighbors came over and I think we played lemon wars or something like that, were you get a lemon from the lemon tree, being careful not to get hurt but the thorns and pelt a lemon as hard as you can at someone before they got you. Someone alway got hurt and then the game was over. But this was fun.

A new place a new routine, I remember one morning I was walking past the opposite neighbours house that had been emptied before we went to Michelle and Jacko’s now had a moving truck in the front of the house, I went up to the front door to see who moved, little sticky beak I was, and I saw a boy around my age in the lounge room playing with a model dinosaur, he looked up and saw me and smiled, I said “hello I live next door”, and walked in. We became friends straight away. His name was Pete, his mum came out of the kitchen and smiled as well, “Hi, who are you?” “I’m Jamie” I replied “I live next door”. “Oh well why don’t both you boys go play, I’ve got unpacking to do” said Pete’s Mum, her name I eventually found out was Bree.

Pete brought his dinosaur, I remember being jealous of this toy, it was the toy where every week you had to buy a magazine to get a new piece of the dinosaur and eventually you had to build the dinosaur, the bones glowed in the dark and the most impressive thing was that he had the skin as well. I asked Pete where he came from and he kind of avoided my question. Which I though was weird, little did I know that Pete had a little secret of his own, a secret I found out and my response to finding out to this day is one of my biggest regrets.

Monday school started, Pete came to class and I asked the teacher to see if her could sit next to me, Ms Wilson said sure, and next to me he sat, I helped him how to write the date in his book and all the stuff he needed to know, at recess I introduced him to my friends, I thought he was the coolest person ever and thought my friends would to, how wrong I was, for the first few days it was ok but after a week or so, I could tell they couldn’t stand him, and in fact I began to realize that he was a little bit odd, one thing that was a bit strange was that he had an english accent and he was born in Wollongong as did the rest of us and he had never been overseas, something that 11- 12 year old children just couldn’t grasp, so our friendship eventually became just at home.

My Mum was slowly getting used to her new disability, her left arm was completely not usable, she had to use a walking stick to walk around, her left leg had little mobility and she was get her speech back, Mum was going to physical rehab every day, the hospital came in a bus to take her, and every day she came home frustrated, she found the whole process really challenging, and remember hearing her cry from time to time, my Dad used to console her, he now was her sole carer, meaning he didn’t work and jsut looked after her. Nothing between me and him changed, I just knew to stay out of his way, which was easy as I now pretty much went next door and played with Pete or up and over the paddok and played with my friends. My parents became friends with Bree as well, I remember Bree smoking and one afternoon I saw Bree’s cigarette packet left near a chair in her backyard, I was playing with Pete at the time, a voice in my head told me to take one, Bree was at my parents house, Pete was busy, so I quietly opened the outside door, I slid it open, snuck outside, turned my head, my heart was pounding, I knew I was doing the wrong thing, but I put three cigarettes into my pocket, and went back inside.

The next day I saw Luke, the kid on the other side of our house, I showed him the smokes proudly, “Where did you get them from?” asked Luke with a grin on his face. “From Pete’s Mum”. We decided to go around the block and smoke them, we chained smoked the three smokes as quick as we could, round the block we walked talking about stupid stuff, until we got back home. I said goodbye to Luke and went into my house, my Mum, Dad and Bree were all sitting in the lounge room, I walked passed them to go to the bathroom to brush my teeth, Bree sniffed, looked at me and said “Jamie come here”. OH MY GOD!! My heart jumped into my throat, “why?” I asked my Dad said “Why? Because she said so get over to her now.” I walked over to her and her nose got as close to my mouth as you could get without touching. “Have you been smoking?” She asked. “Ummm.” Dad and Mum both looked at me. “Well?” Asked my Dad. “Ummmm” was all I could muster. “UMMMM” My Dad mimicked “Have you had a cigarette?” “Y-Y-Yes” “Go to you room and wait for me there” said my Dad quietly.

I scurried to my room, left my door ajar a little so I could listen, all three started talking, whispering, I could barely hear what they were saying, I remember hearing Bree say “No you don’t want to do that, wait here and I’ll be back I have a plan” The next thing I hear is the front door opening, in what felt like seconds, the front door opened again and Bree said “Come into the kitchen”, thinking back to this I remember this experience so well, I remember creeping just outside my door, to listen, I remember my Mum saying “This won’t hurt him will it?” I remember hearing my Dad say “He needs to learn a lesson” I remember Bree coaching them both on saying “You don’t want a son like my older boy”, Bree apparently had an older son, Pete’s older brother, who lived somewhere else, I never meet him or knew where he lived. But I remember knowing instinctually that they were doing something in the kitchen, then quite. I scurried back to my room, closed the door, jumped onto my bed. In came all three, Bree was holding a cigarette, she smiled at me and said “where did you get the cigarette from?” I told them the truth. The just stared at me, they must have known I was upset telling them the unravelling story about how I stole Bree’s smokes, how I went around the block smoking the smokes, but even to this day I remember them standing over me, me on my bed, and I still couldn’t read them at all. When I finished confessing, Bree said “Well you lesson is for you to smoke this cigarette” I looked at my Mum she looked away, I looked at my Dad and he just stared. They had done something to the cigarette, I didn’t know what, but something. There was no way I was going to go along with their plan. “Go on” Bree said again, I closed my lips as tight as I could and shook my head. My Dad took it from Bree and tried to ram it into my mouth, I closed my lips tighter, “Here” he yelled. But it was no use. SLAP, across the face, blood entered my mouth. They left the room, I looked at Mum she walked out with her walking stick, looked back and looked away. I just laid there on the bed, I did the wrong thing. They all went back into the lounge room, I could hear Bree telling them how I would turn into her older son and how they should be worried. I just laid there holding my pillow, holding my face.

Stealing those cigarettes was the worse thing I could have done, because my friendship with Pete was now over, meaning that if I wasn’t at my friends house or school, I was at home, which meant that I was around the man who know longer worked, the man who looked after my newly disabled mother, the man who never in my whole existence of living once told me he loved me. Things got tough, really tough. There were times when I tried so hard to stay out of my Dad’s way, I found the worst times was when Mum was at rehabilitation, one time my Dad snapped at me “What are you doing inside”, I don’t know why he was in a bad mood. I snapped back at him, I don’t know why I snapped back, you think I would have known better, I guess he was taken by my response, he stood up from the couch, walked up to me and said “what did you say” I said “Inside”, he pushed me. I couldn’t take it anymore, all these years of oppression over took me, all these years of being spoken to, hit, I pushed him, why of why, did I push him? He smiled, he pushed me again, I fell over, I stood up not to be defeated, pushed him again, “Oh really” he said, I was standing in the lounge room, he looked at me and said “You wanna play like this do you” He got both his hands, and what felt like all his force smiling pushed me, right into the wall, I didn’t just hit the wall I fell through it, he stood there, looking at me, repeat “ you wanna play like this?” I pulled myself from the newly made hole in the wall, he was just watching me, I looked at him and ran. Ran out the backdoor of the house, over the fence, cross the road, past the school, past the fish and chip shop down the bottom paddock and all the way to Michelle and Jacko’s, I knocked on their door, Jacko opened it up and looked shocked, he must have seen I was upset, He held my shoulder and in I went, this was the beginning of me running away from home, anytime that things were to much I just ran to Michelle and Jacko’s, I leant how to open my window, climb out, holding the ledge, and jump and run as fast as I could. Sometimes I would stay the night and come home the next day, in some ways my life in present life Jamie can still be like that, when things get tough, I run, run mentally (and physically) when things get tougher.

Little did I know that my Father knew where I was running to and the route which I went, after one particular time I went to Michelle and Jacko’s they said I couldn’t go there anymore because my Dad had gone to their house and told them that he didn’t give permission for me to be there and I wasn’t to go there, and that was it, my little piece of escapism was over, even though I was around drugs and swearing and people smoking and loads of other things, I knew that this was not a place I could go to anymore. I could no longer run away, I was back there.

What was I to do? By no mean’s was I a saint, no way am I going to say that I was this golden child of a kid, I do know where I am sitting now and with loads of experience of working with children and young people that I would never resort to the kind of affection and parenting my father showed me, but the funny thing is, is that he showed all love to my sisters, hugging them, saying nice things and everything you could imagine, I never understood it at all, I really didn’t. My Mum over time started being more mobile, she started talking more, and we all just got used to the way things were, this was our new mother, one who needed more care and support.

I feel that I have skipped over so much in this post, and writing all of this makes me appreciate how much went into 1992/1993, the year of kriss kross, the year of prince’s cream, things were tough, I was jaded, my mother was very different, my father was back and the neighbor Bree was something of a monster, the coming months up to October of 1993 was approaching, and this was would be my final years of living with my family and I would enter the final months of the new chapter of foster parents and court trials….

If only I knew know would I still take that $3.00?

If only I knew that $3.00 would be the cause of that faithful day

We all walked out of the hospital gates and down the hill back to our grandparents. After some afternoon tea we jumped in the car and headed back for Wollongong back to Michelle and Jacko’s place. Everything felt like a dream. Life went back to somewhat normancy, whatever that meant, I mean I woke up went to school, ate food, rode my bmx in the car park behind the unit, went into the kitchen watching Michelle koat michelles smoke, but things were strange. I remember my teacher every now and again smiling at me, you know those smiles that are only through the lips but when you look in their eyes you see sadness.

My life went on like that for the seven weeks I was kind of in auto pilot, there was a pub across the road with different shops, Michelle and me went for a walk and past the doors of the pub there were heaps of people I saw a sign that said “jelly wrestling” now I had no clue what this meant, but Michelle turned to me and said get on my shoulders and have a look, so she picked me up and as I got on her shoulders and could see over the sea of people I saw what appeared to be my first viewing naked ladies wrestling each other all, I didn’t know were to look, but they were at each other like fighting messy cats, it was so funny, I could hear the men cheer as one was pounded to the ground, wow is all I can say, even to this day I think of that serial moment and have a quite giggle. A security guard came out and saw us in the car park, looked at us and saw a lady with this boy staring mouth open at this scene turned around and shut the bat door, and as quickly as this unfolded it was over, “well” said Michelle looking at me, “well…” was all I could reply and then we both just laughed and laughed.

Michelle and Jacko from time to time went across the road for a beer they must of let kids in because I remember being in there watching them drink, there was one girl around michelles age that used to come say hi, but I could tell that Michelle hated her and that’s hate with a capital H, there was one time this girl had her baby there in a pram and they just started arguing, they screamed at each other about god knows what, Michelle was getting into her face but this girl had her pram in front of her screaming, I don’t know what was happening, me and my sisters were sitting at the other table and we just stared at the scenario unfolding, the situation was heating us and I remember Jacko getting between the pram and Michelle and pulled her away, he said to us ok let’s go, so we followed him back to the unit and shut the door, Michelle was furious to say the least. Jacko looked at us kids and said stad “here I’m going to calm Michelle down”.

He got Michelle to follow him out of the house and there we were me and my siters, a little confused, we sat on the couch and turned the telly on, when all of a sudden BANG… BANG… BANG… “MICHELLE COME OUT”

I looked at my sisters, who were clearly scared, I got up and quitely walked to the door, as I put my head up to the little eye hole, BANG….BANG…BANG she smashed on the door again, I jumped, I put my eye to the peep whole and saw the girl on the other side pacing past the door, she looked through the peep whole, I ducked down, just in time, I looked at my sisters and put one finger to my lips and go them to follow me to our bedroom, I opened the clothes cuboard and got my sisters to go inside, I wispeared “Stay here I’ll go get Michelle”, BANG…BANG…BANG, she wasn’t going away.

I closed the cupbaord door and went to the window and quitley opened it, I was sweating but knew I needed to get out, I climbed threw the window and fell out the otherside, I ran across the other side of the road looking behind me, I went into the pub searching for Jacko and Michelle. They weren’t there. I went up the road a little and then saw Michelle and Jacko talking to each other, I ran up to them and said “That girl is at the house and she’s banging the door”. Michelle just looked at me and ran back to the house, Jacko and I followed in a sprint, they were to fast for me, when I got there Michelle and Jacko were on the front grassy area and the girl was screaming at her, Jacko saw me told me to get inside, I went into the unit and into the bedroom where my sisters still were, we could all hear screaming outside, the three of us creeped to the front window, and by this stage Michelle and this other girl were fully punching each other, Jacko was trying to seperate them both to no avail, I was kind of reminded of the kelly wrestling I had saw the days previous, but this was so much more viloent and aggresive, and the only man around was not enjoying this. He finally got them apart and screamed at the girl and said “Fuck off and go home!” Pointing down the road, which she meekly did, there was blood on her mouth, they came into the unit and Michelle was laughing, “Showed that bitch, I think I knocked a tooth out”. Me and my sisters wanted to get away from the situation so we went outside looking for the tooth, we enever found it. That night we all slept in Michelle and Jacko’s room on the floor.

So as much as Michelle and Jacko’s place for me was a sence of peace and that I felt like Michelle and Jacko liked me, there was still a sence of crazy.

After a few more weeks, at dinner Michelle turned to us and said, “You mum’s coming back to Wollongong and it looks like you will be moving back to your old place with her and your Dad”. Wow I didn’t expect that. “She looked at me and said are you ok”. I replied “Yeah, I guess”. It wasnt that I was upset about moving back home with mum it was that I would be moving back with him…. My dad. Michelle said that the hospital was going to hold a meeting about the changes that was going to affect us all, I didnt know what that meant, the meeting was going to be in a couple of days during school time, Michelle said she would pick us up from school and take us there.

The day of the meeting I was in class and the phone rang, the teacher answered it and looked at me instantly she said “Jamie you need to go to the office”. I gathered all my stuff and my bag and ran to the office, my sisters were already there, Michelle turned to me and said “Ready” she turned and we followed her to the car. We drove to the hospital and got ushered to a room, there was a large round table in the middle of the room, big square windows that streached from the floor to the ceiling, and around the table a bunch people in white coats, there was five spare seats, these were for us. The room was silent, I looked around, everyone was staring at us kids, the door opened, the noise of people shifting instantly enveloped the room, we all turned round and I saw my Dad come through the room, my two sisters yelled out “Dad” and ran to him, he embraced them, he looked over at me, glanced at me and looked away, then he turned just outside the door and wheeled my mother into the room, straight away I noticed she looked weak, her left arm was held across her body, her left side of her mouth was droopy, she got wheeled to the table. Instantly one person started talking, he introduced himself and the other people in the room, they were all doctors who had been looking after mum, he then went on to discuss what stroke was and that Mum had a heart vaulve removoed and replaced, and that her left side of her body had been permanatly affected, meaning she could no longer use her left hand and that she had limited use of her left leg, the doctor turned to us kids and said that we needed to help her out around the house, and that dad would be moving back into the house to help out. I remember them being very matter of fact about the whole thing. He asked if we had any questions, Michelle grabbed my leg, I looked up to her, I didnt know what to say, of course I had questions I had a million, but none of them could come out of my mouth. After this we, the doctors said “Ok then I’m sure we’ll be seeing you all around soon”. Michelle the said that we would be going to back to her house and getting our things and back to our place 

Little did I know then that this would be the last 7 months that I would ever be living with my family…

Over the years I  have worked my way up the ranks starting my first job in the industry when I was 19, all the while my friends and co-workers around me in times of need was able to phone a family member for help I never was able to do that, I have always needed  to support myself, including paying for all my studies, accommodation and work. My friends became family, as I mentioned before…. And most of all the most important remedy is laughter, no matter what I have been through and some of the things I have shared are just the tip of the iceberg, laughter and sharing positive energy, and most of I have no dramas making a fool of myself for shits and giggles.

I worked with this great person who was from England at the beginning of this year, she now lives back in London, she invited me to have some drinks with her and her mates at the local pub near our work, the Coogee Bay Hotel actually, I finished work at 6, when the last child left, I routinely locked up the centre, got changed and headed down to the pub, I have to admit I like the odd drink and having big nights and dancing the night away, so I was pretty excited about entering the busy smokey beer garden, I scanned the area for Jess and found her in the middle with some of her mates, I introduced myself to the people I hadn’t meet before and greeted the people I had. And just like routine I headed to the bar for a schooner of beer.

Out in the beer garden I was in my prime laughing and talking to these new people, as the night wore on more beers were drunk and the laughter and silliness seemed to escalate higher, crazy random photo’s and good times. Around 8 two bar staff came over to us with a clip board and said they are having a best bum competition heat and I should enter, I looked over to Jess and said “What do you think?”, straight away she said “Do it!”. I laughed and looked at the girls and said if you enter we’ll give you some shorts and some free beers, I mean who was I to turn away some free beers, the two girls wrote my name down and told me to meet inside at 9, we had an hour to go, I looked at Jess and her friends and said “Alright my round” Jess followed me to the bar and said “Are you really going to do this”. I ordered the round, drank another beer and said yep, the hour seemed to go so quickly, as the time went on the more nervous I got, at 9 pm it was time, I went over to where all the other guys who also entered the heat, there was about 20 guys all different looks… What the hell was I doing….??

I went over to one of the main ladies and asked for the shorts as I was wearing jeans, she handed me a pair of red jeans and told me to be quick, I ran to the toilets and quickly got changed, I ran back out to Jess and got her to mind my jeans and I joined the line, my god some people were messy, the ladies went down the line and gave everyone a number, I was number 21, she wrote it on my hand with black marker. What was I doing I kept thinking to myself and laughing, what did I have to do, this was the best bum competition, and I don’t think I have the best bum, but before I knew it the line was moving, I looked ahead and saw guys getting called one by one onto the stage and guys turning around and the crowd cheering, at the front two really attractive ladies with clipboards judging the talent, another person was roving in the beer garden with a microphone.

“The next contestant is Jamie”. My god it was my turn, me in red shots, showing off my pasty white legs, what the hell, I walked up to the stage, turned my back to the crowd, raised my right hand in the air and showed my butt, I walked around the stage and blew a kiss, if I was going to make a fool of myself I was going to do it correctly, everyone was cheering, and I turned around, bent my knees, looked at the crowd and put one finger to my lips and winked, like a naughty boy. It was crazy.

Off the stage I went and let all the other guys strut their stuff, I went straight over to Jess and the group, Jess had tears in her eyes she had been laughing so much, All the guys had been asked back on stage, the person with the microphone was announcing the winner, “I think we’ve all decided who is the winner tonight, a free case of beer and a $100 worth of bar vouchers, the winner of this heat, meaning that he will go into the grand finals and might win ten thousand dollars, the winner is…… Jamie”

Oh my god I won, I couldn’t stop laughing, I had won, I….had…won.

This was all to funny, I jumped of the stage and the judges handed over my prize, I said thank you and went over to my group of friends, god we all laughed, I went to the bathroom and got changed back into my jeans, and went straight to the bar to use the drink vouchers, the rounds were all on me for the night.

Two weeks later the grand finals was on, some of my mates came along, one from New Castle for this event, the grand finals was inside with a large stage, there was a few supporters for me there, I went over to the ladies and I introduced myself and handed over the letter I was told to give. The judges told me to go behind the stage on the right, I went over to where all the other finalist were and looked at them, and all my god what was I doing, these guys were H.O.T, muscular and fit and chiseled and oh my god why am I here, I just started laughing, I made idle chit chat with the other guys.

It was showtime, the room filled up, it was crowded, apparently I was to go on last, the main judge welcomed everyone to the night and said the main prize was ten thousand dollars, would I win? The guys got asked to walk down the cat walk and do a turn and answer some questions, my god I was nervous, but I had a plan, I had a trick, the other guys got asked to go on stage one by one, and this is when it turned crazy and I knew I was out of my depth, as each guy got called up the crazier it became, each was trying to outdo each other, one guy got up and did a back flip, the crowd cheered, the next guy came up, he grabbed the pipes on the roof and did some chin ups….. My god what was I doing?? I just couldn’t stop laughing…. “Jamie”

What it was my turn? It was time to bring out my tricks, I ripped my jeans off, wearing only a green jumper and some small black undie shorts and underneath it was a g-string, I pulled the g-string up high up my back, I went on stage, my friends cheered. I went over to the lady, she asked me some questions, I was in a daze I don’t know what she said, I walked down the stage showed my butt again, and flicked the g-string, if I was going to do this right, I was going to do this right….

Off the stage I went, we were all asked to go back on the stage and do one last round, I swear people booed at me, this just made everything that much funnier, and then it was time to announce the winner…. and the winner…. wasn’t me.

Of course it wasn’t me, how could I have competed with those men…. I went over to my friends and they just embraced me hugged me and laughed, I was holding my jeans.

The purpose of this blog, hopefully made you laugh, as I did during this time, and for you to see how things are in the future, a person who through adversity and isolation can love life, and that I have worked hard to be successful and make a difference in children’s lives, as wanky as it sounds, I really believe positive energy is contagious…. and no matter what your background or history is, you can make a difference.

Mum was taken to the hospital, I thought that’s where we were going as we drove in the car, but I was wrong we were going to Vivienne’s place, up the leafy driveway, we drove into the garage, we got our bags we had packed with clothes from the boot and walked up the stairs to her house, Vivienne had two kids Michael, who was a little younger than me and Rachael who was just a little younger than Alexis. We had been here many times before, I scanned the lounge room picturing my Mum sitting on the couch laughing and chatting with Vivienne over a cup of tea, this was always a safe place for me as Dad had never come over here because Vivenne and her husband (Tim) didn’t like him.

I remember a time I was over for a play date with Michael playing with Lego, we watched a movie and I fell asleep on the couch, Dad came to pick me up, I pretended to stay asleep on the couch because I wanted stay over, Tim said “He can say over”, Dad replied “No it’s ok I’ll take him now”. He picked me up and carried me down the stairs, I kept my eyes closed, I kind of felt safe him carrying me, we got to the car and instead of opening the door and putting me in, he threw me to the ground and said “Get up, get into the car.”

Vivienne said “Go to the room and unpack your bags” we knew that meant I was to go to Michael s room and Alexis and April were to go to Rachel’s room. In the room was a bed with blue doona with spaceship and toys, I found the Lego and started playing with it. I could hear Vivienne on the phone, talking to someone. Her kids was still at school, later that night we all sat down to dinner, kind of in silence, apart from the clinking of knifes and forks hitting plates, awkward coughs and quick eye glances. Vivienne said “Your mother is sick , real sick she’s going to be in hospital for a little bit.”

“What do you mean sick” I replied,

“Jamie I don’t know they are transferring her to Wollongong hospital, there not to sure at the moment, I will find out more information tomorrow.” apparently she went to the local hospital and though=out the day got transferred.

“Can we see her”

“No that’s probably not the best idea at the moment”

All our head went down and used the dinner as a distraction to avoid any more talking. When we finished our dinner I pretty much wanted to go to bed, I got into my p.js, those blue cotton long sleeve ones with patterns on them. I got into the make shift bed on the floor in Michael s room, as I was laying there I was thinking about the day that was, my god what was going to happen next.

The next day we all got dressed and ready for school, it was so strange to do something that was so normal, Vivienne had to do two school trips as we couldn’t fit into the car. At school I felt like everyone was looking at me, maybe they weren’t, maybe they were. I hung out by myself, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. My teacher came up to me later in the day and simply said, “Is everything o.k”, I just said “yeah”. And that was that he knew that the best thing was to give me space, something I really needed at the time. Later that night Vivienne told us that she found out that Mum had been flown to Sydney, Prince Henry Hospital, me and my sisters knew where that was, it was just up the road from where our Nan and Pop lived, Dad’s parents. “They think your mother had a stoke, she’s in intensive care, she is really sick and there not to sure what’s going to happen”.

Have you ever watched a movie where the actor is there and everything around them goes so huge and they feel so small, standing overwhelmed by the giantness of everything around you, nothing in comparison other than what is right there is of any importance. What did this all mean, was Mum going to die? What did intensive care mean? Why did she get flown to another hospital? Couldn’t all hospitals help people? Apparently not…

The next couple of days I was floating like a dream, I could see that Vivienne was feeling stretched and was becoming stressed with having 5 children and doing two runs to school and two pick ups, she was becoming more snappy and less patient, who could blame her really, if she hadn’t picked up the phone when I called her she wouldn’t be responsible for any of this, I’m not sure how but she got into contact with Jacko and Michelle, our babysitters, after school one day me and my sisters went to the pick up area, thinking that Vivenne was going to pick us up, but Michelle ran over to us and was holding some papers, “we’re your temporary foster parents, your going to stay at our house until your Mum’s back”

She hugged us and they both looked generally happy to see us, I was really excited about this, I really like them they made me feel good, and off we drove back the ground floor 2 bedroom apartment that we all were familiar with, my sisters and me all slept in the same room, them on the mattress and me on the floor. Everything seemed to be going slowly but the weeks all melded into one, strangely things seemed rather normal, and kind of got into a routine, I still went into the kitchen when Jacko and Michelle smoked pot, I watched as they smoked out of the bong, they called me in closed the door and we all sat around the kitchen table. I never touched anything, never had a smoke except for the sneaky inhale as Michelle exhaled in my direction with a cheeky smile on her face.

During one smoking session Michelle turned to me and said, “We’ve spoken to your Dad”. What, how, how did he know we were here….was going through my mind…. “Ok” came out.

“He wants to take you to the hospital with your sisters to visit you mum, the hospital said that you have to be over 12 to see her because shes in intensive care, but I pulled some strings and you and your sisters can go and see her.”

Pulled some string….?? What does that mean??

“Ok when are we going”

“This Saturday, I’m going to come as well, I think your Dad said we might drop into your Grandparents place”.

Am I ready for this…?? Saturday came, I really kind of wanted to stretch the days apart, my teacher at my school I kind of could feel his stare, he made a point to say hello to me every morning and goodbye every afternoon personally. I don’t know if he knew what to say, he once asked about my mother and I told him, he replied, well if there is anything you need let me know. That being said I got into trouble and I started rebelling a little, giving other teachers cheek, going out of bounds etc.

Saturday came, I was nervous, I hadn’t seen Dad since Mum and us left and moved into the woman’s refuge, he was to come around at 8am, we were all ready, KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. With each knock I jumped, holy shit he was there, there on the other side of the door, Michelle went over, opened the door, and there he was James Francis Morris.

Funny thing about our names, in my family the first born son was named James Francis Morris, so my Dad has the same name as he Dad and so on, straight from birth I was the black sheep, Mum didn’t want to call me James, but my Pop said he would disown me if I didn’t so she Named me James Allan Morris, Allan being her fathers name. But on birth I broke a tradition going back I don’t know how long and being the first James Allan Morris. Each of us had diffrent variations on our names, I was Jamie, Dad was little Jimmy or Jim and my Pop was Big Jim or Jim.

“You all ready” He said without any eye contact to me and looked at my sisters, “Dad” they screamed and ran over to him and gave him a hug, Michelle grabbed my shoulder and gave me a squeeze, I looked up to her and she smiled. We walked out of the door and into the car, Michelle in the front passenger seat and us three in the back, I don’t really remember the trip up there in the car, we had done this drive many times before driving up to the Grandparents, all of a sudden we were there, in Little Bay, the eastern suburb of sydney.

We drove up to the house and went in to see Nan and Pop and Uncle Scott, Dad’s youngest brother who lived in the garage that was turned into a makeshift apartment. It was really good seeing them, every time we were there we had KFC and this time was no different, there waiting was a big bucket of KFC, greedily me and my sisters like little pigs ran over and started eating the fried chicken goodness. It was really good seeing them all, Nan and Pop were really nice, Pop was always drunk but friendly and Dad was always nice when we were there, I noticed Scott and Michelle getting chummy, we were chatting, me and my sisters went outside and had a game of hide and seek, and ate the passion fruits that grew on the vine on the fence.

After a while it was time to get going, we left the car there as the hospital was only literally two blocks away, we walked up the hill and into the gates of the hospital, we walked into one of the wards, Michelle spoke to a lady, we pushed open the door and into the ward, there was s sign on the door.

“Intensive Care Unit

No-one under 12 may enter”

We pushed past the big white doors, the nurse ushers us in, she looked at us kids, frowned and looked like she was about to say something, but looked away, “She’s in here”.

In everyone walked, I was the last, was I ready for this…??

In I walked and I was blown away by what I saw

Let me paint a picture, Mum laying there, under one white sheet, on a hospital bed, she was laying there and there were wires coming out off her, cords up her nose, a drip standing next to her, a heart monitor connected to her chest, I could hear the beating of the heart monitor, I looked at her chest and noticed she had a cut and black stitches all the way down the middle of her chest, she looked at me and said “Jamie you were so brave”, this was all to much but she called me brave, “why do you have that cut on your chest Mum”, she slowly turned her head, she was in pain, but something was different with her, the left side of her mouth was limp, she was slurring “I had open heart surgery, I had a stroke Jamie”.

Whoa….. I had absolutely no clue what any of this meant the whole meeting time was quick I think we were just in there for like 30 minutes, it was time to say goodbye, I went up and kissed Mum on the cheek, she turned and looked into my eyes, she was in pain, she didn’t move her hands, we were all leaving Michelle suddenly said she just wanted to have a chat with Mum, she went back inside and we all waited outside, me, Dad and my two sisters, a family of misfits sitting and waiting all of us starting out to the distance, not talking not knowing what was going to happen next….

I am sorry I haven’t added anything this week, in all honesty the last blog brought up a lot of things for me, and some other things have been a bit tough, so I just needed a quick break. but I promise that I will have a new blog up by this Sunday and will be the  next chapter of this Journey,

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and support.

Ginga Ninja

Me: Second row from the front, on the right second person

Up the stairs I was walking, supporting my mother under my 11 year old body, as each step I walked I was scared not knowing what was going on, up each step felt like a day in time, I wanted to be calm for my mother but I didn’t know what was going on, the front door was still open from when I got the blanket, we walked slowly into the messy lounge room, littered with clothes and papers, past my sisters bedroom, past my bedroom, Mum seemed to be confused as to what was going on, we reached her bed and she just feel onto the bed. I was thinking to myself that a few minutes ago she was fine and we were just going to the doctors and the doctor saying she just had a flu. I watched my Mum lay there, I asked her if she wanted something, ANYTHING, just to make this go away and for her to jump up and yell, JUST KIDDING!!

But this was very real, there was a glaze in her eye and she mumbled that she wanted water, I ran to the kitchen as fast as I could, got a glass, filled it up and took it back to the room, I went to give it to her but she couldn’t lift her head, so I put the glass to her mouth and made her drink, the water dribbled out of her mouth and onto the sheets, Mum looked extremely dazed not being able to focus on me. I didn’t know what to do, I ran to the phone and phoned one of my Mum’s friends and told her what was going on, Vivienne said she wanted to talk to my Mum. I took the phone to her and said Vivienne’s on the phone, Mum looked blankly at me and said she needed to go to the toilet. I said “Mum need to go to the toilet”. Vivienne said “Jamie listen to me, you need to call the ambulance right now do you understand, I’ll be over straight away, ok”. I remember saying “Do you know what’s happening”. Vivienne said plainly “You need to call the ambulance”. I hung up.

My mum said slurred she needed to go to the toilet again. I put the phone down and went to pick her up to walk her to the toilet, but she was so heavy, where getting her to the bed she was at least walking, she now could not do any of that. I honestly didn’t know what to do. So I grabbed her arm with both hands, and pulled. I dragged her of her bed onto the floor, I pulled her along the carpeted floor along the bedroom floor, both hand holding her left arm and heaving her to the toilet, I reached under her armpits, and lifted her as much as I could, with all my strength, she was so heavy not helping herself get up off the floor, I remember I got her almost up onto the toilet seat…..and then, she feel to the floor.

I was in such a panicked state I didn’t know what to do. I ran back to the bedroom and got the phone and dialed emergency. I remember the phone call so well.

“Emergency”

“My Mum, something wrong with her”

“What’s wrong with her”

“I don’t know she started shaking in the car and now she’s laying on the floor” “Why is she laying on the floor”

“I dragged her to the toilet and she fell and now she can’t get up”

“Is your Mum awake now”

I went over to her, her eyes were open

“Yes”

“Is she able to talk to you”

“Mum can you talk”

“mmmm” My Mum made some noise and was looking to the ceiling

“No”

“Where do you live”

“38 Fowlers Rd Koonawarra”

“Ok I’ve organised an ambulance to come now, please try and make you Mum stay away”

This was serious, the ambulance was on its way, I hung up the phone, and I don’t know why but the next thing I did was go into the lounge room and start cleaning the mess as if the ambulance drivers would judge us and not give my Mum as much help, I frantically put things away, I then went and got a large white sheet and covered the rest of the mess, so strange thinking back at it and remember so clearly, the phone rang again, it was Vivienne,

“What’s going on”

“I-I-I rang the ambulance” I stammered.

“Ok I’m on my way and coming over right now” She hung up the phone.

Everything was going so quickly but oh so desperately slow at the same time, I felt so unsure, scared but wanted to keep calm at the same time, I ran back to my Mum and made sure she was ok, she was confused, her head tilted up, eyes to the ceiling, slurring again, “Jamie whats going on”

There was a knock on the door “Hello” two people in uniforms were there carrying a tool box, with medical items, they were the ambulance, they got here quick I thought. I felt such relief, I got them to follow me to Mum who was still laying on the floor, they both went over to her, one on each side, Mum’s pants were wet, she had wet her pants. “Whats your Mum’s name”

“Jenny”

“Hello Jenny can you hear me” One said shining a small torch in her eyes.

“mmmm”

“Jenny can you tell me your address” One said checking her blood pressure

“Fowlers Road”

“Jenny can you tell me the date”

“August”

“Ok Jenny listen we are going to take you to hospital”

One of the men left.

The other man looked at me and asked

“Is it just you here?”

I replied “No, my sisters are at school across the road, Mum’s friend Vivienne is coming here now”

“Ok” The other man had a bed on wheels and Vivienne ran into the house, looking panicked.

“What’s going on?”

“We are going to take her to hospital and see what’s happening” Vivienne looked at me and said “Go across the road and get you’re sisters”. Without a second thought I ran. I didn’t look for cars, I ran, I didn’t think, I ran, I didn’t look anywhere else except focus on where the front office was, I ran into the office slammed the door open, everything became to much, I couldnt keep my calm anymore, I exploded and screamed, I cried, tears streaming down my face, panting, “I NEED ALEXIS AND APRIL MUMS BEING TAKEN AWAY BY THE AMBULANCE”. Now thinking back at it they must have been so shocked, working quietly away tand then this screaming kid runs in through the door. They looked shocked and got the principal. This man with a brown beard came out of his office and asked me to come in and have a seat, he closed the door. “What’s going on Jamie?” I explained everything that happened, he looked at me. I couldn’t stop crying, tears flooding my eyes and streaming down my face. He got onto the phone and said can I have Alexis and April Morris come to the office with their bags please”. The office door knocked and there was Vivienne and looked at me and asked me to wait outside the office. She went into the Principals office and closed the door. I found a seat and sat there with my head to the floor, Alexis and April both with their bags turned up looked at me and asked me what was going on, I didn’t answer them. The door opened and Vivienne asked us to go with her, as I walked to the exit I looked back at the and everyone was looking at us, the office ladies, the principal all staring like a frozen photo in time, we walked with Vivienne back to our house across the road, “Come on everyone get some clothes, your mum’s just been taken to hospital your going to stay at my house for a few nights”. We all went and got some clothes and packed them, Vivienne helped April as she was the youngest. After we were all packed we walked to the front door, closed the door and went into her car.

All of us confused as to what was happening I’m sure Vivienne as well.

Little did I know but later I was told if by calling emergency I actually saved my mothers life.

What?!?

She’s left dad, thousands of thoughts were spinning through my head. My god this is all my fault just wait till I see him, thinking that he was going to come through the door at any stage. That night laying in bed, I just watched the door in the dark listening to my sisters and Mum sound asleep and expecting that at any stage my Dad would appear. He didn’t.

We stayed at this place for a couple of weeks and then we moved back to our house, when we arrived Dad wasn’t there and his clothes were gone, Mum just explained that he doesn’t live here anymore. Life started become routine without my Dad around, for some reason I never slept in my bed, I always slept in my Mums bed. My behaviour turned for the worst, I became angry and resentful of everything, I still didn’t like being at home, at any chance I could I was over at my friends house. Sleep overs on Fridays after school became the norm. Mum got a job as a delivery driver for Pizza Hut. This meant that she needed to find a baby sitter for us. My Mum ended up finding a person named Michelle and her boyfriend Jacko, Michelle was 19 and the boyfriend was 26. Thinking back these two people were the appitamy of stereotypical bogan, mullet hair cut and all. But I liked them, we always went to their bottom level apartment when they looked after us. They were cool and friendly and fun, one night when Mum left us there, my sisters went to sleep, I was still awake, Michelle said come into the kitchen, so I did. Jacko came in, we all sat down at the table, then all of a sudden out came a plastic bottle with a hose poking out of the middle, with some water at the bottom. A bong. They started talking about pot and how it was a soft drug and fun, but should never tell anyone that they smoked, I reassured them that I would never tell anyone. And from that moment on every time they babysat us, my sisters went to sleep and I watched them smoke pot in the kitchen, they never let me smoke it but always wanted me to watch, actually thinking about it now, this was really strange, but felt normal at the time, I was in their secret little club of trust. One time Jacko went out of the room and Michelle quickly packed the bong with pot and lit it, smoke started filling the bottle. She leant over and blew the smoke into my mouth, smoke enveloped my mouth. Jacko walked back in and said “Has he had a smoke”, Michelle said “no”, so I went along with it. So this was the norm for so long, Mum must of made friends with Michelle’s friend, there was a guy who used to come over to our house, he called me Bluie, he was pretty cool, but every-time we saw him he was drunk, and then Mum and him would go into the bedroom for a while. Things felt very safe for me for a time, I was calming down. Then one day I remember my Mum having a flu, her sickness went on for a while, one day before school she asked if I could stay home to look after her, my sisters went to school. During the day we went to the doctors, who told her she just had a cold and gave her some medication, we drove home, pulled up out the front of the house, the car stopped. And then all of a sudden things turned for the worst, my Mum became very disorientated and started shaking and saying she was cold. Mum was physically shaking, I opened the door ran to the house to get a blanket, when I came back Mum asked me to help her to the house.

I was scared, something really wasn’t right.

Mum had her arm around me and I helped her up the front stairs into house and then into her bedroom, thoughts were rushing through my head, I could still feel Mum shaking and finding it hard to walk.

Little did I know at the time, things would get a whole lot worse from here.

Things will make more sense if start at the beginning and work your way through.

Please leave comments and subscribe for further updates. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog. I hope this might be of some inspiration to some people.

Welcome to my story and our journey…

The following takes place from 0-11yrs…

And so we begin…

The year is 1981, 30th July to be exact. Of course I don’t remember that date myself but I was there, in fact this was the day I was born in Wollongong hospital. Wollongong the beach side suburb, on one side beaches and the other a wall of mountain ranges, all of it lined with the stink of pollution, situated 2 hrs south of Sydney. Wollongong whilst its beautiful surroundings is primarily a town where people work in the smoggy steal factory and is littered with housing commission estates.

I often wonder back to that date, 30th July 1981. Were my parents filled with joy, tears in their eyes of overwhelming happiness, their little boy, there first born child. Did my parents get in close holding me, both glowing and smiling from ear to ear, look at me, then look at each other and kiss as there were no words to describe their happiness. Did they think big things for my future? Or was it the opposite looks of disgust, destine and unwant?? Maybe it was the red hair, this can sometimes put people off you see, Did my dad look at me run into the nurses quarters like a mad man, sweat dripping down his face grabbing any nurse by the collar  panting and saying “Oh Jesus his got red hair, is there a chance we can get one of those dark haired babies I’ve seen around here”.

I do know however that in the years to follow I would get two younger sisters (Alexis and April) both of whom were treated much differently to me. My earliest memory was living in Port Kembla a poor suburb littered with housing commission flats one that we called home, we lived in the top unit over looking a quite street and beyond that a park with two play sets and a tennis court in the middle, I remembered the people who lived around us and feeling creepy, my earliest memories are snippets kind of like 30 second amature YouTube clips and a bit out of focus they are:

Being three: Going to London with my dad back to his home-town and getting lost on the plane after going to the toilet by myself and the air-stewart helping me after finding me crying not knowing where my seat was and all the passengers pointing to where my seat was, and really glad to see my dad but when I saw him he just said “where’d you go?”

Being four: Waking up really early one night to some commotion going on in the unit, I remember it being dark outside, I opened the door and saw my mum who had a big belly,  I remember feeling excited, my dad got me and Alexis, my middle sister (who was two at the time) on bean bags and we sat on the balcony, he took my mum down the three flights of stairs into a waiting ambulance, that was the night my youngest sister April was born.

Being four: Me, my middle sister and a girl who lived in the units playing across the park by ourselves, I remember we used to do this a lot with no parents watching, I remember the girl putting us into lines and her being the leader and the boss because she was the oldest (by three months), I love how kids work out these things it just all makes sense. I loved being at the park because every time I was at home I was told to stay in my room and the door was slammed.

Not sure what age but around the early years at school, I came into the unit and a man was sitting at a table talking to my parents saying; “When his good you need to tell him his a good boy and when his naughty you need to tell him that as well”. This man looked friendly and looked directly at me and smiled. I was to meet this man later in my last years of Wollongong when I had to attend court to see where I was going to live, this man was from Family Services. The man years later told me that a neighbor called Family Services.

For those who know the adult me would find this incredibly hard to believe, but I actually enjoyed primary school, one of my first memories was in kindergarten putting an apple on the teachers desk to give as a present because that’s what I saw on a cartoon and thought that’s what people do, tv has and always will have a powerful effect on me
As the years went on I remember feeling different to everyone, I don’t think I had heaps of friends I remember feeling alone. But school was where I was happy, one exciting day was when I was in year one, I remember telling the teacher I was feeling sick so she told me to put my head on the table, I remember after a little while being kind of awake the teacher was handing out awards, she said I have an award for someone who uses his manners all the time and is always polite can anyone guess who that could be, eventually she said my name, bing, I woke up straight away and went over her to collect my award, grinning ear to ear, “me with an award” I was so excited with this piece if paper. When I went home I showed my parents and I stuck it on my door. I’m not to sure if it was from this award or not but manners has and always will be really important to me.

After school one day whilst in year one, I was across at the park like usual, Alexis and me were at the park, I climbed up the ladder of the giant slide like I had many times before, this time I decided to to see if I could look underneath whilst sliding down, bad mistake. I fell. I still remember laying there crying and my sister grabbing me, me holding my arm and running home, blood oozing out of my nose, climbing the stairs screaming in pain desperate to get home. Getting to the door, my sister opening it, my parents there, looking at me, and they…… Laughed. Laughing?? I remember in my six year old voice yelling “why are you laughing??” My Dad went into his room and got a tie and put it around my neck and my right arm and took me to the hospital. My arm was broken.

Eventually in year three I moved from one school to another, we changed schools because Alexis after kindergarten she was labeled a “slow learner” she also had very mild Cerbal Palsy. At this school I was really on the outset I don’t think I had any friends at all, my memories was me playing by myself. Was this the red headed curse. This is really when I remember my home life being different to other peoples, I remember playing football on Saturday, one of the dads on my team used to drive me to the games, I don’t think either my Mum or my Dad ever went to a game. I remember going to this guys house, an actual house with a back yard and garage and seeing the parents interact with each other, the Mum came over and kissed the Dad and when it was time to go to the game the Mum would come over and say “Good luck, I love you to their son”. I honestly remember this scene in the backseat watching this play out and me thinking “what is this all about?”, That afternoon when I got home I went to my Mum and said “Mum do you love me” and her saying with no eye contact “Only when your asleep” hmmm I thought should I go to sleep now?? When I saw my dad I asked the same question and got a push and a “Get away”. Things were defiantly different.

My Dad worked for the trains and fixed train line bridges, my Mum worked in different small jobs like delivering pizza for Pizza Hut, through out my realisation that things weren’t quite normal and being hit and told to stay in my room all the time wasn’t also normal, I also noticed that my Dad spent more time with my sisters than me and when I tried to get involved he would look at me and tell me to get outside, physically push me away and told to go in my room, I asked my Mum one day when Dad was at work, “Why doesn’t Dad like me” and she looked at me and simply said “I don’t know I guess he just didn’t want a boy”

As the years went on so did the distance between me and Dad, I don’t necessarily remember a close relationship with my Mother either, when I was in year four we moved for the fourth time to a suburb called Koonawarra, this place was still a housing commission house, but it was a house and had a backyard. My sister moved school to the school across the road.  I remember one night before bed my Dad from the couch in front of the t.v yelling at me and said “Brush you’re teeth” so I went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth, came out and my Dad said, “I told you to brush your teeth”, I told him I had. He grabbed me by my pajamas dragged me into the bathroom and said “I told you to brush your teeth”.  He then put me into a head lock with one hand and with his other hand got my tooth brush, placed it on the sink, opened the tooth paste and put it on the brush. He then said, “You’ll do what I tell you”. I remember yelling. “I did” Just before he rammed the toothbrush into my mouth and started brushing my mouth with me still in a headlock. It didn’t take long until blood was over taking the taste of toothpaste, whilst him ramming this into my mouth he was saying “You’ll….Do….What…..I….Tell….You”. When he finished he let me go and said “Wash your mouth you look disgusting”. With my shaking hand I rinsed my mouth out with water, blood was flowing out of my mouth. I went straight to bed, tears streaming down my face, and feel asleep.

After this things changed.

Up until this point, I was used to being pushed across the room and learnt not to get to close, I was used to being told to get away, so I just went to my room or went to the park, I was used to being slapped, but from this point on things got more physical.

The next day at school my teacher came up to me and said, “Are you o.k, Alexis said something happened last night”. I remember bursting into tears and told her what happened. She hugged me, I then went to the principal who asked me what happened again, I told him looking at the ground like I had done something wrong and I was going to get into trouble for saying what I was saying. I’m not to sure what happened after this but life just continued on as they had always gone on.

I remember that at school I was getting into more and more trouble, I remember feeling angry. I remember my Dad not even talking to me anymore. I remember being fearful of my father, I remember being resentful of my sisters. I remember hiding around the house to see if anyone would notice me gone, sometimes they did, sometimes they didn’t. I remember working out when to leave my room and walk quietly around the house to avoid being barked at, hit across the face or in the rare times spoken to by my adopted name “idiot”. As in “Hey girls can you get idiot, its dinner”.

In year five me and April moved to the school across the road with Alexis, one afternoon after school Mum told us to get into the car, so all three of us got in and she drove us to a place that looked like a childcare centre. A door opened and a smiling lady was there to greet us, we got out of the car, my mum opened the boot and got some bags, the lady said “Hi guys, you’re going to stay here tonight”. Me and both my two sisters walked up the stairs my Mum said “bye”, not even walking into the door. I was confused, we sat down and had some dinner, when I was to read my D.o.C.S file years later, apparently my Dad had become so angry with us, for whatever reason while we were at school, Family Services came involved and found a respite home for me and my sisters for the night to give my Dad some space. And there was me and my sisters in our school uniforms eating dinner in a kitchen with a lady we had never meet before. But there was something about her, the way she looked at us, she seemed…..kind. That night we slept on folded out beds in a large room, the lights turned off, and I just layed there.

The next day we were picked up by both my parents, we got into the car and drove to the near shopping market, an argument started, I asked why did we have to stay at the place last night, I was told to shut up and don’t ask questions, but I had enough, and kept pressing the issue, we were now in the car park of the shopping centre and I wanted answers. The car stopped and my Mum said “You can get out of the car”. So I climbed over Alexis, opened the door and got out of the car, I remember being so angry I wanted answers, I closed the door. And they drove off, I watched them drive out of the car-park and leave.

I was left there.

For a moment I was in disbelief, and then shock and then not knowing what to do, I went down the road to see if I could follow them, but they were gone. I went into the shopping centre and looked around trying to be busy and block out that I was by myself, thinking this was a joke and all of a sudden they would show up and say “surprise”. Hours later my surprise turned into realizing that this wasn’t going to happen, I then went out to the street again to see if they were there. All of a sudden our little green car came, my Dad was driving and my youngest sister, April, was in the passenger seat. I went to the road and and waved, my Dad didn’t even turn his head, and drove past. Did he see me? I don’t know. I went back into the shops and looked for a phone and saw a reverse charge phone number, I dialed it and called home, my Mum answered, I said “Hi”, Mum said “I was so worried, I didn’t know you would actually get out of the car”. I said that “I just saw Dad drive past”. Apparently he had to take my sister somewhere, my Mum told me to wait outside and she would come and get me. So I did and about half an hour later she picked me up.

The next day when dad was at work Mum told us to pack some clothes,  thinking we were going to the same place again me and my sisters were a bit confused, but then we saw Mum packing clothes, we got into the car and Mum drove us to a house…….A women’s refuge.