Well here we are… the reason why my journey has launched me here writing this journey, that faithful day is the centre piece of everything in my life, everything before and everything after revolved around this day, the day that was like any other well started like any other, I woke up in my bed, over my previous posts I have hinted to this day, spoken about the title, there’s not a day even as a 30 year old man where I don’t think about this day. The reason why I had to stop writing these posts is because I am still frightened by this day, still consumed by guilt, unsure about if this was my fault, that if I hadn’t made some stupid choices would I still be the person I am today with the same values, would I still have a family, even a phone number that I could contact to just chew the fat or ask for advise, or in my early 20′s when times were tough, god forbid ask for a loan to help me out, ever hear the three words I never did, that they loved me…?
I guess I should explain, that it really was my fault, I snuck into my parents bedroom, quietly, tip-toeing, trying not to make-any-slight-noise. Into the bedroom, past the bed and into the bedside table, I opened the draw and saw the jackpot, my god I was going to be rich, there was some gold coins, I decided to take $3.00. I left some there as I didn’t want to raise suspicion, all part of my devious plan. Now you might be asking yourself, huph why three dollars, I was an 12 year old boy, who never had any pocket money, three dollars and the thrill of taking it was all to much, this was exciting.
I put the three dollars into my pocket and ran out the backyard as fast as I could, I found Alexis and April and told them what I had done, they were in surprise and shock, but I was boastful, smug and kind of proud of myself in someway, we went to the paddock, which was through our backyard gate and across the road, there was large power-lines all along the paddock, up the hill and down again, we sat in the tall grass and just chatted away, April said she needed to go home, when she was gone I turned to Alexis and said she should go to the shop and steal something like biscuits or something, she looked at me nervously, I said “go on, It’ll be easy”. I gave her the $3 and said if she got caught she should simply pay for it.
Alexis took the money and started walking across to the shop, I sat in the paddock and watched her, she walked in and…. didn’t come out, well for at least 40 minutes. Then in the distance I saw her, she crossed the road and walked up to me, showed me the biscuits, but she was upset, she had tears. “I got caught” She handed me the change, she looked so upset. God what an asshole I was to send my sister to steal some biscuits, Jesus what was I thinking…?
We opened the packet and the contents, after a while we decided it was time to go back home, we entered via the back gate, in through the back door and into the house… “You filthy little thief” Snarled my Dad, SMACK across the head.
“Now, Now Jim send him to his room and let’s talk with Alexis first” Said Bree
“Get to your room” I didn’t need another offer I went straight to my room and closed the door, I opened my window and threw the change out. Shut the window and listened at the door, I could feel my heart pumping, I was more than scared I was prettified, this was not going to be good, in the glance when I walked into the house and through the lounge room, my Mum was sitting on the couch with Bree and of course Dad was there. How did they know…. April, bitch.
The were asking Alexis what had happened, Alexis at this time was 9 she was scared she told them everything, there was silence, they told her to go to her room, which she did quickly and shut her door.
“JAMIE, GET OUT HERE NOW” was barked at me.
I walked out, Bree had a smile on her face, “Stand there”. She pointed to a spot on the ground, I walked to it. She grabbed me, “no not there….there” and she moved to the space she meant for me to stand.
There was silence, silence that felt like it was going to envelop me, swallow me up, down, down, down into a pit of darkness… If only…
I looked around, Dad was standing there he looked pissed but had a smile on his face, I looked at Bree she was smiling as well, I looked at Mum and she looked away to the floor, her walking stick along her lap.
“So we heard what happened, give your mother the money you stole from her” Said Bree calmly.
“I don’t have it” I said truthfully.
“Well you better get it quick smart, you have five minutes…Go”
I went into my room, they knew I didn’t have the correct money, Alexis told them everything, I didn’t know what to do, I could hear them talking, “Let’s play with him for a bit and then teach him a lesson” My dad was saying, all of them were talking, I didn’t know what to do, I threw the money out of the window, why did I do that, why did I steal that fucking money…??
I opened the window, I positioned myself to climb out, I dropped to the ground and started searching, I found twenty cents, I think there was like a dollar forty in change, I was searching like a maniac.
“What are you doing” Bree was at the front door glaring at me. She smiled, “His trying to escape”
Apparently I was trying to escape by being on my hands and knees under a my window looking the change.
“Get in here now” She said, I got up off my hands and knees and walked to the front door, back into the living room, she shut the door.
Dad had a big grin on his face, what was going to happen… “Why were you outside” He said plainly. “I was trying to find the money”
“LIAR” he yelled.
“Jim calm down we can, do this in a calm way” she turned to me “Do you know I know how to punch people through books and that it doesn’t even leave a bruise, you to stand here, and if you move I will get your mothers walking stick and hit you in the balls so hard an ambulance will need to carry you out of here.”
I was scared to say the least but I tried, as much as I could not to move, I barely even breathed.
“Alexis come here” growled dad. She came out of her room, looked at me, he told her to stand in front of me. Bree chimed in “Alexis, Jamie tried to get you into trouble today, he said this was all your fault, I want you to hit him across the face as a punishment to him for being so naughty” Alexis looked at her then at me. “Go on Alexis, unless this was your fault” SMACK across the face, “Good work Alexis, but that wasn’t good enough, you really need to show us that your really upset with your brother” SMACK, SMACK, SMACK. Laughter, dad and bree were laughing, my mother just sat there. SMACK SMACK SMACK. Bree looked at me and held my mother walking stick. “Remember if you move, even once, you will be getting worse than a slap to the face, alright Alexis off you go back to your room”. Alexis quickly disappeared. Bree turned to Mum, “Jenny, this is your son, standing here in disgust, slapped in the face by his younger sister, he stole from you, what are you going to do about it, I want you to show him how upset you are with him.” Dad started laughing again. Mum used her one usable hand to awkwardly stand up, her other hand no longer worked, she stood up, slowly she hobbled over to me, Bree didn’t give her stick to her.
Mum looked me in the eyes. She looked away, she smiled. WACK,WACK, WACK, WACK, WACK, WACK…over and over again I felt blood in my mouth, I didn’t want to cry, I wanted to just have this over with…. WACK, WACK, WACK… I couldn’t take it anymore, my head was thumping…. “His about to break, THAT’S IT JENNY” Bree shouted, dad was laughing hysterically loving this all….WACK WACK WACK……Then the tears…. the pain was to much, I couldn’t stop my sobs, the embarrassment, the river of water streaming out of my eyes, my mouth full of blood, the pounding of my head. My mum had a look of enjoyment in her face.
“Get to your room, you disgust me” said my Dad, I ran as fast as I could, my face felt puffy, I wanted to know what they were going to do next, they were all talking, Mum said that should teach him, Dad huffed, Bree said “No, you don’t want a child like my older son, we should call family services and say that he needs to go”
“Really” said my mum “But I don’t think I could call”
“Don’t worry, I’ll pretend to be you, it’s all good, it’s for the best” She got the phone.
“Hello….Yes…..Hi, I’m calling about my son, I am having a very difficult time with him at the moment…..well, this morning he stole from me…. he is violent to my children and I don’t feel safe with him being here……what do I want……I want someone to come and have a chat with him……. Oh ok…..well my address is 72 Fowlers rd koonawarra…… ok how long will you be……. oh ok…..”
Well the conversation was longer than that, they asked for Bree’s name, she gave my mothers details and some other information… Now I don’t know if you have read my other blog updates…. I was never violent to my sisters or tried to threatened anyone, Bree made up all these lies about me… I didn’t know what to do, she had called these people and they would have thought that I was this crazy out of control violent 12 year old kids…. Now look at the photo of me in my previous blog…. go on… does that look like the person Bree was trying to say I was.
I don’t know what Bree’s motivation was, even to this day I have thought about her, I even ran into her child years later in Byron Bay very randomly and asked him, he had lost contact with her and said she had very deep issues…. deep issues… But at the end of the day my parents could have stopped this circus at anytime “Stop Bree, this is our house and we will look after our children the way we see fit…” might have been a start… Maybe a grounding, some chores, loose privileges such as TV… Not to be humiliated, brusied, bloodied and now people coming thinking I’m a monster….
Tears were streaming down my face…. what do I do…. I layed in my bed and cried, that all I could do…cry.
I honestly don’t know how long time had passed, I remember hearing two cars pull up outside our place, out of one car was a lady with large hair, out of the other was a man, they walked up to the front door, I heard the knock, three in total. they walked in and started to talk to my parents, my Dad was the spokesman, from what I could hear from the closed door, was pretty much what Bree had said.
There was a knock at my door…the door opened the man and lady were there and looked at me, I was crying, I didn’t know what to do, it was just the two of them, no Mum, no Dad and No Bree, they continued to look at me, they looked at my face, and then to each other, the lady looked at me walked over touched me on the shoulder calmly, the man said, “hey mate, lets pack you some clothes for a couple of nights”
“How come” I said…
“I think it’s best that we just get some clothes and you have something like a holiday for a couple of nights, what do you say” He looked at me and gave a friendly smile… He told me to stay were I was and he packed some clothes for me, the lady started making notes quietly.
“Come on Mr, it’ll be alright” I followed him not know ing what was going on, but I kind of felt safe with these two people, never in my life had I come across people like this at a time of need who made me feel safe, through all the years of being beaten, slammed into walls, spoken to like I was nothing…. I walked put of my bedroom door, head down, I dare not look up, I really wanted to get out of there, I walked past the lounge room, as I was walking past my parents, the man put his hand on my shoulder and close me to him, he kind of kept me walking.
The lady stayed behind me,”We’ll be in touch” she said, we walked to the two cars, and the man directed me to his and opened the passenger door. Closed the door and drove off… I had been rescued!
That was the last time I ever lived with my parents, the last time we were ever in the same place together, my two sisters, father or mother… and the last time I was ever physically beaten by my father or mother…but not the last time I would see them
Every Friday for the next four months involved me teaming up with a family services officer and a lawyer, my next stage of my journey was to go to court and recount what happened to me and for the courts to decide what they were going to do with me… I no longer had parents I know belonged to the state of NSW.